By Cletus Q Public

In a strange turn of events, I’m gonna need y’all to turn your attention to Britney Spears. 

That’s right, teen pop sensation from yesteryear, Britney Spears.

See, Britney Spears has apparently found herself in a VERY strange situation, and the entirety of the United States is now convinced that it’s up to us to save her. That’s right y’all, just as she once took care of us during puberty by providing horny teen boys with all sorts of videos to watch when our parents weren’t home, the responsibility now falls on us to take care of HER pretty blonde ass (which is also something I’ve dreamed of doing ever since 1998, it’s just come about in a different way then I’d always imagined, is all)

I first found out about Britney’s weird as hell situation when I was watching my boy Tucker, and for some reason, actress Rose McGowan seemed to spontaneously pop in to make a statement. Now, whenever some sort of Hollywood liberal type pops up on Fox News, you can pretty much bet you’re gonna see some shit go down. Specifically, when you come to Tucker’s playground, Hollywood types typically find themselves getting their asses buried in the sandbox. This is probably because the vast majority of actors are retarded, which is why in ancient Rome, actors and prostitutes were considered one and the same, and honestly we should probably revisit that school of thought before The Rock’s communist ass tries to run for president or some shit.

Anyways, y’all can watch that video below for some context, but I’ll try to wrap it all up into a nutshell for ya: Britney Spears is FUCKED. 

Okie dokie, let’s break this down a little bit:

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  • Britney Spears is currently in a CONSERVATORSHIP, which is something that’s typically done for people that have dementia or Alzheimers or just generally can no longer support or handle themselves. That’s NORMALLY why conservatorship is done. It’s officially defined as “the appointment of a guardian or a protector by a judge to manage the financial affairs and/or daily life of another person due to old age or physical or mental limitations”.
  • So, in 2007, y’all remember when Britney had that mental breakdown and shaved her head? Well, shit happens, everyone gets a little screwy due to stress or a bad break up or when the bartender kicks you out for taking your pants off, and sometimes ya make an irrational decision that you end up regretting. Unfortunately, her dad and the court didn’t see it that way — from that moment on, they claimed she was mentally unfit to control her own life: her finances, her relationships, her ability to have children: these were ALL taken from her because of the story that her father spun to the court. Her dad forced her into the conservatorship.
  • This shits been happening for years, but it’s only just now coming out that her own father is forcing her to be on birth control and hardcore psychotic medications, allotting her a $2000 a week allowance even though she’s making millions, not allowing her to see people without her dad’s approval — the girl who I used to jack off to when I had the house to myself is basically a Clockwork Orange prisoner in her own multi-million dollar home! And that ain’t right! 
  • Also this bullet ain’t about Britney but I just wanted to point out that Rose McGowan was raise in a cult and recently came out and said that the Democratic party reminds her of that cult, so I think that’s pretty fuckin awesome that Hollywood is showing signs of waking up just a little bit. Maybe I’ll rethink my stance on how they should be in the same boat as prostitutes. Maybe.

Shit, this whole situation got me feeling like that one crazy “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE” dude. I HEAR YOU BROTHER/SISTER/WHATEVER YOU ARE NOWADAYS, LEAVE BRITNEY THE FUCK ALONE!

Speaking of which, I’ve come to realize that I’ve found some unlikely allies in this whole fight to “FREE BRITNEY”: fuckin liberals. And you know what’s even crazier? That THIS is what it took to make the left and the right come together as one: it took Britney fuckin Spears to do it. 


But you know what was? Motherfucking Britney Spears. It’s stupid as fuck, to be sure, but it’s also kinda awe inspiring in a way that this beloved ‘Merican woman has the power to bring both parties to the table during an era of complete and utter division. Shit, imagine if this is the catalyst that makes the two parties start working together? In 200 years, this might be how the textbooks depict this moment:

ItsBritneyBitch


Also, on the topic of the left and the right getting along, MAYBE it’s because it takes a 2000’s era pop sensation to make the left see logically. For example: 

Free Britney Liberals


God, they’re so close to getting it. Maybe the real way to fix this country is to start putting beloved former superstars into conservatorships so both sides of the aisle come together to rescue them. Your move, Backstreet Boys. 


Backstreet Boys Jail


Anyways, I’m not exactly sure how us ordinary people can help our girl out of this predicament, but one things for sure: you now officially have a way to bond with that weird liberal cousin of yours at the next family gathering, and it’s Britney, bitch. 

Published @ Merica’s Sticker Club

Cletus Q Public

Author: Cletus Q Public Lemme guess, you’re  wondering “who even is this guy, and why is he so handsome?”. Well, my name’s Cletus, and I’m what you might call a professional patriot. Click here to read a little bit more about your favorite redneck.


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